Fourth 'Pirates of the Caribbean' unsatisfying?

Captains always go down with the ship  even the swishing, mumbling, mascaraed ones.

How else to explain why Johnny Depp's Jack Sparrow has remained  helming the serviceable but unsatisfying Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides  when most of his former mates have bailed? Apparently Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Bill Nighy and Stellan Skarsgard all snapped up the last of the lifeboats.

True, there's no question this fourth entry in the seafaring franchise will loot the box office this weekend after it opens nationwide late Thursday night. But it's also likely to leave fans deflated, with little wind in their sails.

Less a sequel than a nearreboot, On Stranger Tides jettisons not only most of the characters and subplots from the original trilogy, but also the digital creatures and gonzo fantasy that grew increasingly crazed under Gore Verbinski's direction.

Instead, in their attempt at a strippeddown sequel, the filmmakers  led by new director Rob Marshall (Chicago)  focus squarely on the reliably rakish Jack and a quest by various factions for the mythological Fountain of Youth.

Back for more  and, aside from Depp and Kevin McNally as Sparrow's first mate, the only leftover from the earlier films  Geoffrey Rush's scheming Barbossa is among those in the hunt for the fountain. Now a privateer, he's sent by King George II (Richard Griffiths) to beat Spanish forces to the ancient treasure.

Caught in the middle, naturally, is Sparrow, shanghaied by his exflame Angelica (Penelope Cruz) and forced to work for the tyrannical Blackbeard (Ian McShane).

Eventually  for reasons too absurd and complex to bother explaining here  their search leads them to mermaids, reimagined in the Piratesverse as gorgeous but fanged predators. The mermaids are a highlight, although the confrontation between Blackbeard's crew and the creatures  think Splash meets The Cove  may be too intense for young children. Frankly, I was more horrified at the superfluous, outofnowhere romance that develops between a captive mermaid (Astrid BergesFrisbey) and an earnest missionary (Sam Claflin).

Sounding congested? It certainly feels that way, despite the supposed streamlining. Say what you will about At World's End, but goofy, grotesque, demented incoherence, I can handle. Plodding exposition, purposeless sword fighting and paintbynumbers plotting? Not so much.

All of this said, On Stranger Tides is nonetheless likeable and benign enough to keep from running aground. For one, Sparrow's clockworkchoreographed escape early on in London is both rousing and risible. And Depp's alterego continues to be a welcome oneofakind creation, even if he's nowhere near as novel as he was in 2003 (and even if the hopedfor heat between him and Cruz never materializes).

As for the sequel's use of 3D, other than the odd sword being jabbed at you, it's inconsequential.

Of course, regardless of how On Stranger Tides is received, it's hard to imagine there won't be more Pirates films.

For the fifth one, Depp has joked they'll just shoot the actors on the theme park ride, going around in circles. Funny  I could swear that's the movie they just made.

Film Review: Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides with Captain Jack Sparrow

Producer Jerry Bruckheimer has been boasting of a fresh start to the wildly successful franchise, whose trilogy limped to a sorry end with the tedious At World's End. However, despite glamorous newcomers, it's as tired as its predecessors, and infinitely lazier.


The fabulous Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl introduced us to one of the most glorious anti-heroes of recent times, Captain Jack Sparrow. Eight years on Johnny Depp can barely be bothered to imbue his creation with the sly humour and debauched arrogance from the first film, and is content to mumble his way aimlessly through On Stranger Tides. However, with such a witless and pointless script from Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, who can blame him for taking the pay cheque and running.

This time, the British and Spanish navies are racing towards the fabled Fountain of Youth, with Geoffrey Rush's Barbossa leading the way with his new peg leg (put to nice Sparrow-esque use halfway through the film). There's also Ian McShane's dastardly Blackbeard, who doesn't seem to be relishing such an iconic role as much as you'd expect. The permanently burning and sizzling beard is a nice touch though. 

Captain Jack is once again on the run from the law, which leads to a decent chase through the streets of London, enhanced by an admittedly funny cameo from Dame Judi Dench. Talking of cameos, Keith Richards is back, and his presence is a godsend: "does this face look like it's been to the fountain of youth?"

With Keira Knightley wisely washing her hands of the franchise, it's now down to Penelope Cruz to fill the token feisty maiden role. The captivating Oscar-winner is shamefully wasted as Angelica. An old flame of the curiously sexless Sparrow, Cruz and Depp are engaged in utterly chemistry-free swordplay and bickering, and their relationship goes no further than constant nagging about the past ("you used me" ad nauseam). 

There's also a staggeringly misogynistic line regarding Angelica's teenage "virtue" that has no place in any film written in this century. It's the nail in the coffin for Captain Jack, whose personality has been diluted to such an extent, he now has all the charisma of a semi-drunk Jeremy Kyle guest.

Filling the cute and sparky gap left by the departed Knightley and Orlando Bloom, the producers have at least done well in casting the newbies. In amongst all the confusing backtracking and backstabbing going on (there's little tension to be found in either), there's an interesting subplot. 

For the first time, mermaids are introduced to the Pirates franchise. If only they had been given a sizeable chunk of the 137 minutes, for their brief appearance in the murky 3D waters shows how inept Rob Marshall is at directing action. 

Model Gemma Ward is our introduction to the mythical creatures, seductively luring Stephen Graham's Scrum to his potential death. The ensuing underwater melee is brief and looks cheap. Such potential, wasted. At least French actress Astrid Berges-Frisbey is given a decent supporting role as Syrena, a mermaid forced to join the marauders in their search for the fountain. 

She is protected by Sam Claflin's missionary Philip, who despite being wet behind the ears, makes for a pretty virtuous warrior. Their endearing relationship is the one enjoyable part of the film, but they are given nowhere near the amount of screen time Will and Elizabeth had.

The new filming location of Hawaii does add a frisson of energy to the film, but the use of breathtaking scenery is miserly. Filmed with 3D cameras, it's still an eye-aching waste of punters' money, despite some nicely swooping shots of the various ships. 

However, through the glasses, the perpetually dark film is depressingly difficult to watch. It's hard to recall why the overlong running time was needed - the action scenes are nothing to write home about, and there's little plot to speak of, just a lot of jumbled and repetitive exposition that kills the decent one-liners stone dead. A fifth film is almost guaranteed, and with Depp clearly happy to sign on for any old script - only the filmgoing public can put an end to this flailing juggernaut.

Pirates of the Caribbean Star Johnny Depp 'is the Queen's 20th cousin'

Pirates of the Caribbean Star Johnny Depp's Pirates of the Caribbean appearances have established him as movie royalty, but it now seems he may also have genuine blue blood.

Genealogist Nick Barratt has researched Depp's family tree and found evidence to suggest the Hollywood star could be a distant relative of the Queen.

Having followed Depp's ancestral trail back for hundreds of years, he discovered the actor may be a descendant of 15th century couple Sir William Gascoigne and Margaret Percy.

Margaret was a direct descendant of King Edward III and by the expert's calculations, that could make Depp and the Queen cousins, 20 times removed.

Dr Barratt told the Sunday Mirror he had to look more than 500 years into the past to find the connection, but that he was confident it existed.

'I believe the balance of probability is that there is indeed a link between Depp and the royals - though I doubt we'll ever be able to prove it 100 per cent,' the editor of Your Family History magazine said.

Depp is currently busy promoting Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, in which he reprises his role as Captain Jack Sparrow, ahead of its release on May 18th.